Bringing Up Myfanwy
by zsazsa4168
Summary: Torchwood London archivist Ianto Jones is sent to Cardiff to complete an important mission, without alerting Torchwood Three. Jack Harkness has other plans. Based on the classic Bringing Up Baby. Written for reel torchwood Round 2.


**Title**:Bringing Up Myfanwy

**Author**: **zsazsa4168**

**Prompt**: Bringing Up Baby

**Character/Pairing(s)**: Ianto Jones, Jack Harkness

**Rating**: PG-13

**Warnings**: Heavy on silliness and fluff, with a healthy dose of nonsense. If you want angst, drama, edginess, this is not your fic.

**Spoilers**: None

**Disclaimer for TW and the movie you are using:** I disclaim the intelligence of anyone who actually needs this notice to figure out what's going on here.

**Summary**: Torchwood London archivist Ianto Jones is sent to Cardiff to complete an important mission, without alerting Torchwood Three. Jack Harkness has other plans.

**Beta**: The very fabulous **faithharkness**. This story and I were lost, and she led us out of the wilderness.

**Author's Notes:** _Bringing Up Baby _did so badly at the box office when it was released (1938) that it got legendary director Howard Hawks fired off his next picture! That's a shame, because this Katherine Hepburn/Cary Grant romp is pretty much the gold standard for screwball comedy. If you haven't already, rent and watch it today. It's the best.

**Bringing Up Myfanwy**

"I'm afraid there's been some mistake."

"No. I don't think so, Jones. You are Ianto Jones, yes?"

"Yes."

"From Archives?"

"Yes."

"Then there's no mistake. "

Ianto closed his eyes briefly, but when he opened them he was still in the Torchwood director's office, high above Canary Wharf, and she was still sitting in front of him. He knew her reputation. Yvonne Hartman didn't take "no" for an answer. But this was just the kind of assignment he wanted to avoid. He was an _archivist_ for crying out loud.

"Look, Ianto. The assignment's fairly simple," she began, ticking off the points on her fingers. "Go to Cardiff. Meet Henry Parker. Convince Mr. Parker to let Torchwood archive his collection of alien artifacts. A perfect job for an archivist…from Wales…who I am told is charming and diplomatic and can think on his feet." She smiled at Ianto and he smiled back, feeling obliged to show some sign of the diplomacy and charm he'd just been complimented on.

"But I've only been here a month. Surely there are others with more exper- "

"Yes, more experience, Ianto, but none of them are exactly gifted with people skills."

"I see," Ianto said, wishing he could show enough enthusiasm to dispel her visible disappointment. "What about Addie? She's Welsh and she seems to know what she's doing. Unless you think somehow the job is unsuitable for a woman." He hoped that might touch a nerve with the director. He might as well have been talking to himself.

"This is an excellent opportunity, Ianto. You _were _thinking of making a career at Torchwood, weren't you?

"Yes, but-"

"Then it's settled." She attacked the keyboard again. "I'm just sending you the file so you can read it yourself. I got you that." She pointed toward a PDA set on a corner of the desk.

Ianto nodded and picked it up. He was trying to think of a way to get out of the assignment, but short of slapping a bowl of fruit on his head and doing a samba across Yvonne's desktop – which he was convinced would work – he was drawing a blank. He just needed to think of a way out of the assignment that wouldn't lead him more immediately out of a job that he liked and needed.

"Here's some background. The short version." Yvonne leaned toward Ianto, the tension in her body so evident Ianto thought she might pounce. "Henry Parker is an eccentric, living in Wales. He's been collecting alien artifacts for decades. We understand he's got quite a collection, but we've only heard indirectly about a few pieces. No one who knows what they're looking at has had a chance to examine any of it.

"Meanwhile, Mr. Parker is getting on in years. He's not in the best of health and we're afraid of what might happen after he's gone. These items could fall into anyone's hands when, as I'm sure you understand, Torchwood is the only responsible repository for valuable items of this nature."

Ianto nodded. "Is he expecting me?"

"Not exactly. Before you meet him, you're going to see Professor Franklin Awuku. He's been at Cardiff University, School of Physics and Astronomy for years and he's an old friend of Parker's. Awuku owes me a favor and he's agreed to introduce you to Parker. You just need to convince him you're trustworthy and we're legitimately concerned about these items and not planning to remove any of them from Parker's collection. I'm sure it's nothing you can't handle. Am I right?"

"I think so." Of course he could handle it. The appearance of reliability and integrity was a survival skill Ianto had mastered ages ago, practically second nature. If putting those skills to use was enough to win the director's favor, he wouldn't object, although he was also wise enough to appreciate the benefits of staying below the director's radar. Too late for that now.

"Great. You'll want to leave tonight. You have a 10:00 a.m. tee time at the Royal Cardiff."

"Tee time?"

"Yes. You and the professor have a golf date. It's his passion and I can't think of a better way to win him over, can you?"

"But I don't play golf." That was almost true. Ianto had occasionally worked as a caddy when he was a teenager. He knew his way around a bag of clubs. A more accurate statement would be that he didn't _like_ golf and he certainly didn't want to endure 18 holes with a friend of Yvonne's.

"That doesn't matter, Jones. We're not sending you to play golf. We're sending you to make a friend." She stood and smiled. Ianto got the impression the meeting was over.

"Wait a minute," he said, rising but not moving toward the door. "Isn't there a Torchwood branch in Cardiff? Can't they handle this?"

Yvonne laughed. She moved around the desk to place a patronizing arm around Ianto's shoulders. "Ianto, you're new, so you'll just have to trust me on this. Torchwood Cardiff _absolutely cannot_ handle even so simple an assignment as cataloging a few baubles in an old man's drawing room. You're to have no contact with them whatsoever, is that understood? None."

"Okay."

"I want you in and out of there in two days tops. Do you hear?"

"Yes."

"Before Jack Harkness notices you're there."

"Right."

"I won't lose another man to that lunatic."

"No."

_And you're just his type_, Yvonne mused.

Ianto had heard the stories about Torchwood Three's leader. Most were improbable tales of his conquests – male, female and alien. Gavin, one of Ianto's new colleagues in the archives, claimed to have reliable information about an orgy that involved alien sex toys and tentacles. Ianto doubted the truth was anything quite so exciting. In any case, he felt confident he could avoid accidentally stumbling into an orgy.

Yvonne was looking at him as if she expected a response, so he offered a quiet, "Yes, ma'am."

"None of that, now. Remember, call me Yvonne." She smiled again, sending a shiver up Ianto's spine.

"Yvonne."

Just then Yvonne's computer dinged and she ran back around her desk to look at it. She motioned with one finger for Ianto to wait in the doorway.

"Yes!" she exclaimed. "Now I've got something Henry Parker doesn't."

_Broomstick_? Ianto posited. _Bullwhip in the desk drawer?_

Yvonne made a few strokes on the keyboard before returning her attention to Ianto. "Alright, Jones, I've got one more thing I'll need you to do in Cardiff. Take delivery of an item I just won in an auction. Already paid for. All you have to do is stop by the shop and pick it up. OK?"

"Sure."

^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^

"So, you see, Professor, Torchwood really is the logical choice to manage something like the Parker collection." Ianto, Professor Awuku and two of his colleagues from the university were walking down the first fairway of the Royal Cardiff Golf Course. The morning was cool and damp, but it didn't feel bad once they were out walking the course. Ianto had dressed the part, pleated slacks with a dress shirt and cashmere sweater vest.

The course was familiar to him and, after a few minutes warming up, he'd found the rhythm in his swing. He and Awuku had hit respectable tee shots that landed within 15 feet of each other in the center of the fairway. Ianto was away and hit first, missing the green badly – _nerves_ – and hitting the deep rough beneath a clump of trees off to the left. Way off to the left.

He made a mental note of the location and resumed his appeal. "I was hoping you'd be able to talk to Mr. Parker and give me an introduction. I'm here from London specifically for that purpose."

Awuku was having trouble concentrating on his shot. Ianto knew when he needed to be quiet and this wasn't exactly the Open Championship, but his anxiousness to get Awuku's approval and get on to Parker was sending out energy that the professor found unsettling.

"Listen, Jones," he said. "I don't usually talk business on the course and I can tell your heart's not in this."

Ianto concentrated on being still and quiet while Awuku hit his approach. The ball landed on the green near the front and dribbled to a stop just short of the hole.

"Oh, no, sir," Ianto said. "I'm enjoying it."

"Maybe it would be better for us to talk after our round. We could meet in the clubhouse for a pint over lunch."

"Well, certainly, sir. But…." Ianto was now talking to Awuku's back as he marched up to the green. "Let me get out of this rough."

Just then Ianto noticed a man walking through the trees near the spot where his ball had landed. The man was poking around with his hands in the long grass. Ianto walked toward him.

"Morning," he said.

"Morning," the man looked up at Ianto and smiled. He was tall, handsome – dark hair and clear blue eyes – and wearing a RAF greatcoat. Ianto could appreciate the benefits of charity shops for a man building a wardrobe on a budget. Too bad this poor bloke didn't know that the key to getting away with it was to choose items that weren't so obviously "vintage."

Ianto noticed the man palming something small and white before putting it into his pocket.

"Excuse me. Is that my ball you just picked up?"

"No," the man said.

Ianto looked around again but his ball wasn't anywhere to be seen, and he was sure it had landed in this exact spot.

"I'm pretty sure that _was_ my ball you just put in your pocket."

"I'm pretty sure I'd notice if I had your _ball_ in my _pocket_." The man exaggerated his words with a leer at Ianto, who barely noticed. Instead he was nervously waving at Professor Awuku. The others were standing on the green now, sizing up their shots and shooting questioning glances Ianto's way. He was away, again, so he had the next shot.

"Listen, I've got to get back. Just hand me the ball and I'll let you be."

The man reached in his pocket and pulled out a ball, which he handed to Ianto. It was the wrong one.

"No, see, this one's a Titleist; mine's a Callaway."

The man rummaged around in his pocket again and pulled out another ball, this time a Callaway, and handed it to Ianto.

"This isn't mine."

The man wasn't paying attention. He'd been joined by another, smaller, man and they were comparing the handfuls of golf balls they'd collected. The newcomer said something like, "These five are eggs. The rest are balls." _Eggs_. Ianto shook his head sadly. Apparently, the patients from Providence Park were enjoying a day outing. He glanced around, but there was no sign of a minder nearby.

"This isn't my ball," Ianto insisted. "They all have markings on them. This one is a circle."

"Of course it's a circle," the man snipped. "It wouldn't be much use for golf if it wasn't."

Ianto looked toward the green again but could no longer see Awuku and his party. They must have played on without him. He needed to catch up.

"I wouldn't trouble you except that it's an important rule of golf that one play the same ball all the way through. And now, I'm supposed to be on the second tee with a very important business acquaintance…."

"In that case, you're really in the wrong place," the ball thief laughed. "This is the eighteenth fairway, isn't it, Owen?" he asked his friend.

"Should be," Owen answered.

Ianto took a breath to remain calm. "Look," he said as firmly as he could. "I need to go. Please hand me my ball. It's a Callaway and I've drawn a large red triangle on it."

The man took another handful of balls out of his pocket and picked through until he found the right one. He held it out to Ianto, who could see the large red triangle. But when Ianto reached for it, the man withdrew his hand and hid it behind his back.

"Say the magic word," he insisted, smiling playfully.

"_Please_," Ianto said, with an exasperated sigh.

The man brought his hand around and Ianto quickly snatched the ball from him. Now he just had to catch up with Awuku, which shouldn't be too hard if he was lucky.

He was not lucky.

Ianto was distracted and missed the call "fore" from back up the fairway. As a result, he was quite surprised when, turning to walk out of the rough, he was hit smack between the eyes by an errant golf ball.

He fell to the ground, more surprised than hurt, really, but otherwise glad for a moment to clear the stars from his eyes.

"Hey! Are you okay?" the taller of the two strangers called.

"Yeah. I'm fine," Ianto insisted, struggling to his feet.

A crowd gathered quickly, including the golfer whose shot had hit him and the rest of his foursome. Awuku, somehow alerted to the commotion, had hurried back with his two companions. Ianto kept insisting that he was fine, but he could feel the angry knot growing out of his forehead. No one was listening to him anyway.

"Owen! Man down!" The smaller of the two golf ball thieves appeared with a small torch to examine Ianto's eyes. He asked Ianto an annoying number of stupid questions. _What's the date? Who's the Prime Minister?_ _How many fingers am I holding?_ Made him walk a few steps back and forth before declaring, "Looks okay. Might keep an eye on him for a bit."

"No," Ianto said. "I'm fine. Really." He was shaky but still standing, squinting slightly against the pain. He turned to Awuku.

"Professor, I'm sorry for holding you up, but I think I'm ready to continue our round now."

"Nonsense," he said. "Knock on the head like that needs looking after. Stay and rest. I'll meet you in the clubhouse for lunch."

Awuku strode off and Ianto resigned himself to this rejection. A setback, surely, but he'd have another chance to impress the professor.

"C'mon," the tall stranger said, grabbing his arm. "We'll walk you back."

Ianto snatched his arm free in protest. "No thanks. I'm good."

"Bullshit. Owen's a doctor; he needs to keep an eye on you."

"I'm sure he's a fine doctor," Ianto said. "But I wouldn't want to keep him from watching his golf balls hatch."

"They might," Jack said quietly.

"Thanks anyway." Ianto picked up his club and ran back in search of his foursome. When he got to the second tee, the others were nowhere in sight, not surprising given the amount of time he'd been gone and the fact that the second fairway made a strong dogleg to the left. He ran a bit further down the fairway until he could see to the green, but he still couldn't see them.

Ianto gave up and decided to just head for the clubhouse and meet Awuku for lunch, as the man had suggested. He knew he'd made a terrible impression so far, but he was determined to show Awuku how serious and reliable Torchwood was as a repository for Henry Parker's treasures.

Nearing the clubhouse, Ianto noticed the two ball snatchers talking to one of the groundskeepers. The man looked like he'd had a fright. The two lunatics seemed to have free run of the place and still not a minder in sight.

Ianto changed shoes in the locker room and put on his blazer, hoping he looked more like one of the patrons than one of the caddies. He was sensitive to the fact his youthful appearance sometimes cost him the respect he deserved.

The clubhouse restaurant was sparsely populated at such an early hour, but Ianto found a seat at a table with an uninterrupted view of the door and ordered coffee and a muffin to pass the time. He hadn't had breakfast, so he was hungry, and he knew he'd think more clearly once he'd eaten.

There weren't a dozen other patrons in the place, but the wait staff was all in a state. There had been a commotion of some sort on the property that morning. The two men he'd met collecting golf balls strolled in and found a table not far from his. Then the short one got up and walked to the bar and struck up a conversation with a waitress. This, Ianto noted, only further delayed the arrival of his much-needed coffee. When the man returned to his table, the waitress promptly disappeared.

Ianto's manners got the better of him and he decided to go over and introduce himself.

"Hi," he said. "Sorry for the mix up earlier. I thought I'd come over and introduce myself properly. I'm Ianto."

"Jack."

"Owen."

"Good to meet you, Jack. Owen. I'm sorry if I seemed a bit tense earlier. It's just that I'm supposed to be making a very important business contact. I'm a bit on edge." He paused, considered saying something else, but simply added, "I'll leave you to your meal."

Ianto turned to go back to his table and in that instant, the one called Jack reached out to grab Ianto's elbow. He was going to ask Ianto to join him and Owen, and even managed to get out, "Hey, why don't you join…." But, instead of his hand closing on Ianto's elbow, his grip snagged the vent of Ianto's blazer, ripping it up along the seam for a good 10 inches.

"What the hell?" Ianto shouted. "You've ruined my coat!" Ianto was trying not to panic. He didn't have another blazer and he didn't have money to get this one repaired.

"I'm sorry," Jack said. "I was just going to ask you to join us for lunch."

"Well, thanks, but I'm afraid I can't. I'm hoping to repair the damage you caused this morning by enjoying a quiet, dignified lunch with my contact." He looked at his ruined jacket. "Thanks, anyway, for your continued efforts to completely bollocks up my morning." Ianto offered one of his least sincere smiles.

"Let me take a look at it," Jack offered.

"No, Jack. Thank you, but I think you've been more than enough 'help.' I think the biggest help you can be to me now would be to stay as far away from me as possible."

Just then the waitress emerged, carrying three coffee cups, which she set down on the table. She looked at Ianto and remembered. "Sorry. I'll be right back with yours."

"And a muffin," Ianto called after her.

Jack looked at Ianto, chagrined. "I'm sorry. We've got off to a bad start. But listen, Owen and I have a little more business to take care of here. Why not let me buy you a cup of coffee? It's the least I can do."

Ianto looked at him hard for a moment.

"Please," Jack asked, smiling broadly. If charm were an aerosol spray, Ianto just got a face full of it.

Ianto sat, knowing already, in the recesses of his brain, that this was a mistake. But he was really beginning to need that coffee. The waitress returned, holding a fourth cup, from which she was already taking short sips. She set a muffin on a plate in front of Ianto.

"But," Owen started, with a worried glance at Jack, then back to the waitress. "This one is yours." He indicated one of the cups.

"It's okay," she said. "They're all the same and I've already started this one."

Ianto quickly grabbed the last cup and drank eagerly. The hot liquid helped, as expected, to clear the last of the fog of his injury from his brain. He ignored the even more alarmed look that Owen was giving Jack, because just then he noticed Professor Awuku entering the restaurant. Ianto rose to meet him, waving eagerly to get his attention.

"Professor!" he called. "Professor! Over here!" Awuku noticed Ianto and made a slight acknowledging wave as he made his way to the table. Ianto stepped toward him, glad for an excuse to leave Jack and the others. He smiled confidently and, he hoped, reassuringly, ready to start making his good impression on Awuku. He took two steps and his vision blurred, but he shook his head and kept on going. On his fourth step, his vision went completely black, and he fell to the floor, unconscious, at the professor's feet.

V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V

Jack stood in Ianto's hotel room looking down on the young man unconscious in his bed. It was just like Yvonne to send a pretty one. He'd be a pleasure to keep an eye on, but Hartman had definitely hit below the belt this time.

Jack's cell phone rang and he stepped away from the bed to answer it.

"Owen. What have you got? Uh huh. I transferred everything from his PDA. Tell Tosh to call me when she figures out what he's doing here. Yes, Owen. He is still breathing. I have done this before, you know."

Jack walked back to the bed and idly brushed a hair off Ianto's forehead. "I'll be here for a while. I'd rather he didn't wake up alone. Might be a chance to get a little more info out of him." Jack laughed. "Is that your medical opinion, Dr. Harper? I think I'm allowed to occasionally enjoy my work. Thank you." He pulled up a chair and sat beside the bed. _Why are you here, Mr. Jones? I sure hope we have fun finding out_.

Ianto woke some hours later. He opened his eyes slowly and was just beginning to get his bearings when someone whispered softly, "Hey, you! Welcome back!"

Ianto shot up in bed to discover a strange man sitting in a chair beside him, smiling.

"Who are you? What do you want? Where am I?" He looked around the room rapidly.

"You're in your hotel room."

"Hotel?"

"How much do you remember?"

Ianto thought for a moment. He remembered his conversation with Yvonne and quickly stood up. "I'm supposed to be in Cardiff today."

"You _are_ in Cardiff, Ianto, and you've lost your memory."

Ianto endured a moment of terror, trying to imagine how he came to be in a hotel room with this man. "Do I know you?"

"We met this morning. I'm Jack Harkness."

Ianto stared at him another long moment. "No, I'm sorry. I don't remember you at all. What…what happened?"

"You accidentally ingested a drug that…."

"Who _are_ you?"

"I'm Jack Harkness. I –"

"I heard that part. Why are you here? In my room?"

"I was there when you lost consciousness. I wanted to make sure you're okay."

"What time is it?" Ianto asked, alarmed. He peered out the window. It looked to be late afternoon. He checked his watch. "Oh, God. I've missed my tee time."

"With Professor Awuku?"

Ianto looked at him, shocked. "How do you know about that?"

"Because you didn't miss your tee time. You just don't remember it. Because of the drug. I saw you with Awuku on the course this morning and I was there when you passed out."

"Dear God," Ianto slowly sank down on the bed. He looked around the hotel room, trying to pull together the scattered fragments of his brain. His eyes fell on his blazer, hung on the knob of the wardrobe. There was a large dark stain over the shoulder and the vent was ripped half way up the back.

"What happened to my blazer?"

"Oh, that. I might have accidentally torn that. At least a bit. The rest happened when you fell."

"I fell?"

"Yeah. You were standing, walking, actually, when the drug took effect. It's a memory erasing subs - "

"You ripped my blazer."

"Yeah. Partly. I said I'm sorry."

"No. No. I remember it. You ripped my blazer. And you took my golf ball. And I got hit in the head."

"Hey, I had nothing to do with the ball that hit you."

"Then you drugged me. You _drugged_ me. But I remember now. You've been following me all day." Ianto eyed Jack with suspicion and a hint of possible retribution once he got his thoughts sorted.

"Yeah, sometimes if you're clever and there's a trigger, the drug wears off. But that's a good thing, right?"

"You _ripped_ my blazer."

"We've been over this."

"I _liked_ that blazer."

"Surely you can't think I did it on purpose."

Ianto gave Jack a wary look. "If I could _think,_ I probably would have run the moment I saw you."

Ianto pinched the bridge of his nose and then looked at Jack. "Get out. I need you to get away from me. Just get out and let me be, because I have some very important business to take care of." Ianto reached in the wardrobe and took out a suit and shirt. "I need to find Professor Awuku. It's imperative that I meet him today."

"I can help."

"No," Ianto said. "I can do without your kind of help." He pulled open a drawer and took out a pair of socks and a change of underwear. "Wait. Who did you say you were, again?"

"Captain Jack Harkness."

"Ianto Jones," Ianto said, extending his hand a moment before recoiling in horror. He remembered where he'd heard that name before.

"I can't talk to you."

"Look, I'm just trying to help. And I think you could use some."

"How?"

"Well, for starters, I _know_ Professor Awuku. We'll run back by the clubhouse and if he's gone, which is likely given the hour, I know where he lives. We'll go by his house."

"No. I really shouldn't. You're…_you're Torchwood_."

"So are _you_."

"Yeah, but I'm to have nothing to do with you. You're Torchwood _Cardiff_. You need to leave." Ianto got up and walked to the door. He had his hand on the knob ready to open it. Jack walked over and pried Ianto's fingers off the door. He pointed to the chair.

"Sit, Ianto. Think for a minute," he said firmly.

Ianto sat and thought as instructed, but only two thoughts occurred to him. One, he had to get back in contact with Professor Awuku. Two, he had to get away from Captain Jack Harkness.

"I need to go. _You_ need to go."

"Just think about this calmly for a second," Jack urged. "I'm not sure why Torchwood London is interested in Awuku, but I can get you to him and you don't have to tell me anything about why you're here. I'll let you and Yvonne keep that secret between you." _Until Tosh finishes reading the files on your PDA, that is._

"Why? Why would you help me?"

"Well, for starters, because I feel badly about what happened this morning. It was partly my fault, after all. Also, because I'm actually a nice guy. And, finally…because I think you're nice, too. Real nice." Ianto felt a little uncomfortable as Jack smiled into those words, but his mind was elsewhere.

"OK," Ianto said, finally decisive. "I'll just go change. Then you can take me to Awuku. Then you'll leave me alone, right?"

"Right."

V^V^V^V^V ^V^V ^V^V^V^V^V^

So it was that, a while later, Jack and Ianto pulled up in front of a small, neat house in a relatively new community. Jack got out and headed up the walk. Ianto followed close behind.

"See? I got you here, didn't I? Just like I said," Jack said, proudly.

"Jack?" Ianto asked.

" Hm?"

"Did they build all the houses in this neighborhood alike?"

"No, I don't think so why?"

"Because if they didn't, we've passed this house six times in the last hour."

"But, Ianto, it was such a lovely night for a drive. And the view was spectacular." He turned and caught Ianto up short, smiling just inches from his face. Ianto sighed and followed Jack up to the front door.

"There aren't any lights on," Ianto said. "Awuku must have gone to bed."

"It's too early. He can't have gone to bed."

"If he expected a visit from you, he could be hiding in bed with the covers over his head," Ianto smirked.

Jack looked at him, perturbed, and pressed repeatedly on the doorbell. "Be nice or I won't help you."

"It's hardly a threat if it's what I want you to do."

"How can you say that?" Jack tried the door but it was locked.

"You know what, Jack? I think we should leave. This is a bad idea. I mean, if we wake Awuku up in the middle of the night, he'll just be irritable and I'll be back at square one."

Jack gave up on the door and began walking around the side of the house. Ianto followed, nervously. "Don't worry," Jack said. "I know where he sleeps."

Ianto tried not to imagine how Jack might have acquired that information. When they reached the back of the house, Jack stood, hands on his hips, facing the house, preparing his plan of attack.

"Jack," Ianto said. "You can't climb in the man's bedroom window."

"I know. It's on the second floor." Jack cupped his hands around his mouth and began shouting, "Professor Awuku! Professor!"

"Jack, _please_," Ianto begged. "It's too late now. You can't wake him up."

"Oh, can't I?" Jack was rummaging in one of the flower beds.

"You're not looking for golf balls again, are you?"

"No, silly. I'm looking for pebbles."

"Pebbles? What for?"

Jack picked through a handful. "I haven't done this since I was a kid." Ianto's expression remained confused so he added, "You throw pebbles against the window. The people think it's hail and come and close the window."

"But the window is already closed," Ianto hastened to point out.

Jack threw the entire handful of pebbles at the window and they crashed against the panes loudly. They both watched while nothing happened.

Ianto moaned. "I know we ought to go now but somehow I can't move."

"Better try again," Jack said, digging around for another handful of stones. Ianto watched him, horrified. Neither of them noticed the man – Professor Awuku, of course - who opened the window and leaned his head outside, most likely wondering why, on a clear night in Cardiff, he'd heard hail. He yawned, scratched his head and had begun to withdraw from the window when Jack launched his second volley of larger stones. The entire handful might have clattered noisily against the window. As it was, with the window open, only one of the stones hit home. It was one of the more substantial ones and it hit Franklin Awuku full on in the forehead. He stumbled, surprised, back into the house and the window slammed shut.

"Shit," they whispered in unison.

"Let's get out of here," Jack said to Ianto's back. Ianto was already making his way swiftly around the house and into the car.

V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^

Ianto was grateful Jack didn't take the scenic route back to his hotel. He was tired, and cranky, and for all he knew, about to be unemployed. He needed to figure out how to make things up with Awuku, but most of all he had to get rid of Jack Harkness.

It was true that Jack was pleasant enough to look at, and he had a certain charm. No doubt. But he'd proved Yvonne's admonition that Torchwood Cardiff wouldn't know what to do with a real alien archive situation, in spades. Judging by his experience with Jack, Ianto was surprised Cardiff hadn't been completely taken over by aliens. Although what an alien, that had its choice of galaxies to visit, would want in Cardiff was beyond him.

As they pulled up in front of the hotel, Jack leaned over and said, "Now don't worry, Ianto. Everything is going to be alright and tomorrow, when Awuku's calmed down, we'll go and see him together."

"Listen, Jack," Ianto said. "Don't think I don't appreciate all you've done, but…."

"It's nothing, really. Least I could do."

"No, Jack. You've had your fun, but tomorrow I've got to meet Awuku and then…" he stopped abruptly, realizing he was about to tell Jack why he was in Cardiff. "I've got important business here and I've got to get it done tomorrow and get back to London."

"Have you really not enjoyed a single moment with me?"

"Look, it isn't that I don't like you Jack, because, after all in moments of quiet I'm strangely drawn toward you but, well, there haven't been any quiet moments. Our relationship has been a series of misadventures from beginning to end. So, if you don't mind, I'll see Awuku alone and unarmed."

"Without me?"

"Yes, Jack, without you and _definitely_ …without you." Ianto got out of the car and shut the door, looking in at Jack through the window. "Goodnight, Jack. Thank you for one of the most alarming days of my life. I hope that I never set eyes on you again." He smiled briefly at Jack and walked inside.

V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^

The next morning, Ianto barely had time to finish a quick cup of coffee in his room before Yvonne called him on his cell phone.

"How did it go with Awuku? I was expecting a call from you yesterday…"

"Yeah. I didn't actually get to talk to him. Yet."

"What do you mean you didn't talk to him? You had a golf date with him yesterday."

"I met him for golf…"

"So you _did_ see him."

"Yes, I _saw_ him _twice_. I just didn't have a chance to _talk_ to him. See there were these men and they were…"

"Stop babbling, Jones. I haven't got time. Are you going to meet Parker?"

"Yes, Yvonne. I will. I will meet Henry Parker today," he said, praying that somehow it would be the truth.

"Excellent. Now I've arranged for the package to be delivered to your hotel, so all you'll have to do is sign for it. Understood?"

"Yes," Ianto said. "Yvonne, can I ask you what it is, this package?"

"Judoon horns."

"Judoon horns," Ianto echoed. Just then there was a knock at the door. "Hold on, Yvonne. That's probably him now."

Ianto opened the door to discover a delivery man holding a smallish box in one hand, and a clipboard in the other.

"Ianto Jones?" the man queried. When Ianto nodded, he held out the clipboard which Ianto took, removing the pen from the clip, and signed the form.

"Here you go, pal."

Ianto took the package and shut the door. "I've got it, Yvonne. Not to worry."

"Good. Now stop dallying and get on to Parker. I'm not paying you for a vacation in Wales. Get the green light from him and get the hell back here. _Today_."

"Certainly," Ianto said into the dead receiver. Yvonne had already hung up. Ianto opened the box and looked inside. He found there something that looked like a dog's chew toy. Two horns, one about five inches tall, the other a bit shorter, connected by about six inches of rawhide. _Eww_.

Ianto adjusted his tie in the mirror as he pondered his plan of attack. He was wearing his good suit, his only good suit. It was navy blue and he'd chosen a cobalt blue shirt and navy tie with a white stripe. He looked professional, competent, which was exactly the message he wanted to send for the day he had planned. He figured it was unlikely Awuku would play golf two mornings in a row, so he decided to try to find the professor in his office at the university. And he had another hour, at least, before it made sense to show up there.

That settled, he picked up the box that had just been delivered. He wondered what the horns looked like while they were attached to a living Judoon, something Ianto had never seen. He was about to look it up on his PDA when his cell phone rang again. The name Jack Harkness appeared on the display. _How did he get my number? How was his number programmed into my phone?_ Whatever Jack was up to, Ianto needed to put an end to it. _Pronto_.

"What do you want?" he asked, wincing at his poor manners.

"Good morning to you, too," Jack said. "I guess I don't have to ask which side of the bed _you_ got up on."

"Forgive me," Ianto said, because he just couldn't help himself. He was raised to be polite. "It's just that I'm quite busy this morning and I thought I made it clear last night that I didn't want to see you again. I_ can't_ see you again."

"Sure you don't want me to take you to see Awuku? I've got a car."

"Taxis. Buses. Legs. I've got options."

"Of course. Well, I really only called to see if you wanted a pterodactyl."

"A pterodactyl?"

"Yeah. I've found one but I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do with it."

"Jack, if, in fact, you could possibly have found a pterodactyl in Cardiff, which I question, you should probably stay as far away from it as possible. It can't be safe."

"You know, Ianto, if you weren't so good looking, I'd really take offense at your attitude." Ianto heard a sound in the background that did, indeed, sound very much like the flight call of a large airborne creature.

"Yes, well, have a good time with that. I'm busy."

"Wait!" Jack shouted. "Surely you aren't going to leave me alone with this thing?"

"You're a big boy, Jack. You must have lots of alien tech at your disposal. You'll think of something."

"But Ianto, what if it's dangerous?"

"Not my prob—," Ianto stopped, mid sentence, when he heard, through the receiver, a man's shriek followed by a loud crashing sound, as if someone had knocked over a large tower of pots and pans.

"Jack! Jack! Are you OK?"

"Ianto! Help!"

"What is it, Jack? What's happened?"

But Ianto got no answer. Instead, the line went dead. He picked up his PDA and quickly tracked the signal from Jack's phone. Then he grabbed his own phone, his jacket and the box carrying his precious Judoon horns and ran off to find a taxi.

Twenty minutes later, he was a bit surprised when the taxi dropped him off in front of an isolated warehouse. The only sign he was in the right place was Jack's black SUV out front.

He opened the door onto a cavernous and seemingly empty space. Then, as his eyes adjusted to the low light, he noticed the figure seated calmly on a chair in one corner. Jack.

"I thought you were in _danger_," Ianto said pointedly.

Jack looked meaningfully at a set of fallen metal shelves and a scattering of paint tins and tools. That was the noise Ianto had heard.

Ianto laughed. "I have to admit, it was an ingenious lie. Why a pterodactyl, if you don't mind my asking?"

"It's not a lie," Jack said calmly. "And keep your voice down."

"Keep my voice down?" Ianto asked, raising his voice. "You lied to me! Again! Why are you doing this? Do you want me to lose my job? What could it possibly matter to you if I can afford to eat?"

"I didn't lie to you," Jack said, again, deliberately speaking more quietly than Ianto. "And you really want to keep your voice down."

"I'm raising my voice," Ianto explained, "in the hope a little volume will succeed in getting through that thick block of yours. I am not interested in playing games with you, Jack Harkness! Now please. Leave. Me. Alo—" Ianto's rant was interrupted by another of those shrill caws he'd heard before and as he looked up in the direction of the sound, he saw an impossibility. A giant pterosaur swooped down from the dark rafters and might have had his head if he hadn't ducked at the last moment.

Ianto ran for the door and didn't stop until he was well away from the building. Jack followed him, trying to stifle a laugh.

"That," Ianto said, fighting to catch his breath, "is not a pterodactyl. It's a pteranodon."

"Are you sure? A minute ago you swore it didn't exist."

Ianto glared at him and waved the PDA in one hand. "I looked it up on the way over. It's way too big to be a pterodactyl. I just can't figure out why, or rather how, it's here. They've been extinct for 80 million years."

"Nobody in London told you about the Rift?"

"Maybe. Not sure. I'm new. I'm missing some of my orientation sessions to be here." Ianto leaned against the hood of the SUV, idly adjusting his tie and waistcoat. "So, tell me about this rift."

"It's like a tear in time and space. It's why there is a Torchwood in Cardiff. We monitor the rift and deal with whatever comes through. Like my pterodactyl. _Sorry_, pteranodon."

"Right, well," Ianto said. "Good luck." He took his cell phone out of his pocket and began looking for the number of the cab company.

"But aren't you going to help me catch it?"

"It looks pretty caught now, Jack."

"I can't leave it here. Someone will shoot it."

Ianto looked at Jack, resigned. He knew he shouldn't be doing this but…. "If I help you catch the pteranodon, will you promise, and mean it this time, _promise_, to just leave me alone?"

"I promise. Besides," he said, with a grin. "I have a plan."

The two men walked warily back inside the warehouse, but the pteranodon was out of sight.

"Watch this," Jack said. He took out his phone and fiddled with it briefly. After a moment, Ianto heard music coming from the device, and Jack began to hum along. Ianto vaguely recognized it as something his mother used to sing while she did the hoovering.

_Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl_

_With yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to there._

_She would merengue and do the cha-cha_

_And while she tried to be a star, Tony always tended bar._

"What's supposed to be happening?" he asked impatiently.

"Shh! Just wait," Jack whispered.

_They were young and they had each other_

_Who could ask for more?_

_At the Copa (Co!), Copacabana (Copacabana)_

Ianto heard a rustling in the rafters and ducked, reflexively, anticipating another attack from the pteranodon. However, this time, instead of attacking, the creature swooped gracefully down to a spot about ten feet in front of them. Jack set down his phone, still playing the tune, and stepped back as the pteranodon waddled forward, cocking its head quizzically at the source of the sound.

"She loves this song. Calms her down completely." Jack walked over cautiously and extended a hand. "See, she'll even let me pet her." He ran his hand along the animal's slightly crested forehead.

"How do you know it's a she? And what is this song?"

"_Copacabana._" Then, when Ianto didn't react, he added, "Are you serious? Manilow? You must know it."

Ianto shook his head. "I think my mother knows it. How did you happen to discover its effect on…her?" Ianto ventured forward carefully, and risked petting the creature himself. The crest was covered with something that felt like velvet. It was amazing.

"It's my ringtone. Phone rang while I was with her."

His ringtone, Ianto considered. He made a mental note never to choose a ringtone while drinking. Meanwhile, Jack was dancing a cha-cha in circles around the pteranodon, singing along with the phone.

_His name was Rico, he wore a diamond_

_He was escorted to his chair, he saw Lola dancing there_

_And when she finished, he called her over_

_But Rico went a bit too far, Tony sailed across the bar_

That was too much for Ianto, who fell to the floor laughing. Here was the head of an organization charged with defending the earth from invaders doing a passable Carmen Miranda impression in an abandoned warehouse. Ianto tried repeatedly to stop laughing, but he couldn't. Tears streamed down his cheeks, which began to ache.

Jack turned to him, hands on hips. "Mind if I ask what's so funny?"

"It's a bit…camp, don't you think?" Ianto managed, between gasps for air.

"_Camp?_ Really?"

"All you're missing is the tent."

Jack took a step toward Ianto, serious. "And you have a problem with camp?"

"Absolutely not." Ianto had managed to stop laughing and was fanning himself with one hand. "It's just not what I had expected, based on your reputation."

Jack kept getting closer, eventually backing Ianto into a wall. "And what, pray tell, did you expect, based on my reputation?"

"I don't know, something very…American." Ianto looked at Jack, a slight smirk on his face. "You've got the accent down, not that I believe it's real. And you've got that whole 'I'm-in-charge-barge-in-without-a-plan' thing nailed."

Ianto looked at the ground briefly before continuing. "Plus they say you'll have sex with anything that breathes, most things that don't."

"I see," Jack said, holding Ianto's gaze while stifling a laugh. "And in the time you've know me, have I not been in the presence of numerous things, breathing and otherwise?"

"Yes," Ianto answered quietly.

"And have I, to your knowledge, had sex with even one of them?"

"No."

Jack put one hand on the wall beside Ianto's head and leaned in. "Although you would agree that several were exceptionally…."

"Jack," Ianto breathed quietly.

"Right," Jack said, turning away from Ianto. He clapped his hands forcefully, clearing his thoughts, changing the subject. "Pay attention, Ianto Jones. You're about to learn a few things they can't teach you at Torchwood London."

The tune was still playing.

_At the Copa (Co!) Copacabana (Copacabana)_

_The hottest spot north of Havana (here)_

_At the Copa (Co!) Copacabana_

_Music and passion were always the fashion_

_At the Copa…she lost her love._

"Her name's Myfanwy, by the way," Jack said over his shoulder.

"Myfanwy? So you've decided she's Welsh?"

"Naturally. Just like all the most beautiful creatures."

The song finished and the pteranodon got nervous, hopping and poking her beak about.

"Jack. Start the song again," Ianto said, also getting nervous.

"I think it's dead. The charge was already getting low."

"You've got to be kidding me." There was an edge to Ianto's voice, although it was only raised slightly.

"We'll just sing."

"Sorry. Fresh out of lyrics, me. You'd better do the singing yourself."

Jack obliged, and not a moment too soon.

_Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl_

_With yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to there._

_She would merengue and do the cha-cha_

_And while she tried to be a star, Tony always tended bar._

Jack had a lovely voice and Ianto lost himself for a moment just listening to him sing. Then Myfanwy nudged Ianto gently with her beak, bringing his mind immediately back to the task at hand. Ianto helped Jack gently corral her into the back of the SUV. He had suggested perhaps a leash, but Jack wouldn't have it. Even so, a few minutes later they were motoring through Cardiff, Jack and Ianto in the front seats and Myfanwy in the back.

"What do you think you'll do with her?" Ianto asked.

"Not sure. Take her home first and think about it. No rush."

"Wait. You're not taking _her_ anywhere first. You promised to take me to Awuku's office." Jack repeatedly checked the rearview and side mirrors, anything to avoid looking Ianto in the eye.

"Jack. You _promised_." Two days, Yvonne had said, and this was already the second day.

Finally, Jack looked at him. "C'mon, Ianto. Can't we just have a little fun first? I mean, _it's a living pteranodon_. What can they have at the university that's more important than this?"

Ianto looked in the mirror as the city center faded behind them. He had no idea where they were going, but it wasn't the university. "Jack, if you don't take me back right this minute, then I hope they pay you enough to cover rent on my flat because I'm about to be unemployed and I hold you directly responsible."

"Ianto Jones, if you're suggesting you'd be my kept man, I want you to know I accept. In fact, I'm overcome."

He patted Ianto genially on the knee and gave him a smile that might have melted Ianto's heart if it wasn't hidden behind a wall of panic at what Yvonne would do if she found out he hadn't seen Parker because he'd spent two days driving around Cardiff and environs with Jack Harkness. Firing him would probably be the least of it. He'd probably need to have important body parts reattached. If he could get them back.

"Jack, I wish you wouldn't talk like that."

"Like what?" he asked, faux innocent.

"Like you…like we…I…," Ianto stammered. He sighed, defeated. He just couldn't say it.

"Look at me, Ianto," Jack said. "Look at me."

Ianto looked at him and for a moment felt he might stop breathing. He blinked rapidly to clear his vision, and his thoughts. But he kept looking at Jack.

And Jack looked back. "Ianto, you must believe me. It's going to be alright. We've had a slight, unexpected delay, but once I get Myfanwy settled, we're back in business and I won't stop until I've made everything right for you."

"Right for me?"

"Yes, I'm taking you to Awuku. I promised. You do believe me, don't you?"

"I suppose," Ianto said quietly.

"No. I need you to say it. I need you to say that you believe me."

Ianto reluctantly complied. "I…I believe you, Jack."

Jack looked at him another long moment and sighed contentedly. "Very good. That didn't hurt, did it?"

"No," Ianto smiled. "I suppose not."

The two men spent a few more seconds just staring at each other, which might have been awkward in some circumstances, or even romantic, depending upon one's point of view. In this case, it was mostly dangerous, because they were barreling along the highway, well above the speed limit.

Finally, Jack caught a blur of movement out of the corner of his eye and his attention was suddenly drawn back to the road, where a large lorry was entering traffic. He swerved instinctively to miss it, but still ended up hitting it, mostly broadside. When the two vehicles came to a stop, the lorry had rolled over onto its side, which caused the load to shift and fall, spilling its contents, several tonnes of fish, onto the SUV.

No amount of music could calm Myfanwy in the face of that bounteous cargo. She hopped and squawked about, swallowing scores of the delicious morsels before Jack decided he'd have to use the nets and began pulling them out of the boot of the SUV.

"You keep dinosaur nets in the boot of the car?"

"Doesn't everyone?"

"I'll be very surprised if that works. Don't you want to try a tranquilizer or something?"

"Are you going to help or are you just going to stand there and snark?"

"The latter, certainly," Ianto said with a smile. "You're standing in a mountain of dead fish and I've got to keep my suit clean."

"Fine," Jack said, turning to his task. Myfanwy was in a frenzy now, waddle-hopping around the mounds of fish like a pterosaur with ADHD.

"Don't you have a staff or a team you could call?"

"I have a team. A small team by London standards. But I don't need them to handle this."

"Do you hear yourself? Every time you say 'I've got it,' something bad happens. You should get used to asking for help, Jack. You usually need it. "

It wasn't easy for Jack running after Myfanwy, with the ground covered in slippery fish. And fish were everywhere. Meanwhile, Ianto went to the boot of the car and rummaged around, occasionally looking up to keep an eye on Jack. He emerged carrying an odd-looking weapon. It had a base like a handgun, with a mini crossbow attached to the top.

Ianto walked just to the edge of the mass of fish and waited for Jack and Myfanwy to stumble past him. Then he aimed the weapon at the pteranodon and fired. Stung by a tranquilizer dart, Myfanwy jerked suddenly, but the net was caught in her beak. As she tried to free herself, just before she fell unconscious, Jack held his end of the net firm. The slippery ground beneath his feet gave way and he took a spectacular pratfall, landing on top of Ianto, who found himself lying in a sea of dead fish, looking up at Jack Harkness. The situation made him uncomfortable to say the least, but he closed his eyes and thought of Torchwood until Jack managed to wriggle himself upright.

It was a mess, but the two men managed to get Myfanwy back in the car. Jack snatched the tranquilizer gun from Ianto's hand and put it back in the boot.

"How did you find this?"

"Everything's labeled, Jack. Someone's done a good job organizing."

Jack glared at Ianto. "I don't like to drug the creatures."

"Yeah. And I'm on a schedule," Ianto said. "I haven't got all day to watch you chasing Myfanwy around the countryside.

Jack offered the lorry driver a cup of tea from a thermos and made sure the man was sitting in the cab when he fell asleep.

"That's what you did to me," Ianto said, channeling some of his remembered indignation.

"And don't you think it's better that he remembers veering to avoid hitting a sheep, rather than being hit by a car carrying an extinct reptile? There's a good reason we do this, you know."

"Did you ever consider just telling him the truth?"

"So he can tell his mates and be a laughing stock at the pub?" Jack packed the last of their things into the boot.

"But, what if you're causing permanent brain damage? Did you think of that?"

Jack looked at Ianto. "You've had it yourself, Ianto. Do you feel like you've suffered permanent brain damage?"

"Every minute since I met you," Ianto said seriously.

Jack stuck his tongue out.

Ianto considered he now had little more than half a day to get to Parker and complete his mission. And sitting in the car, reeking of fish, he had little cause for optimism. He looked at Jack, smiling behind the wheel. A further complication, but Ianto was certain that, if he could get Parker's OK, Yvonne would be less concerned whether Jack Harkness knew about it.

"We just need to make a quick stop in the village to get some fish for Myfanwy," Jack said.

"Don't you think she's had enough for one day?"

"Yeah, but I think she'll want to eat again tomorrow, and the next day. I'm not ready to knock over a fish transport again in the morning."

A short time later, they were in a small village center, a handful of shops surrounding a large central green. The whole place was festooned with flags and banners and there were tents set up around the perimeter. Some sort of fête was obviously in progress.

"What's all this?" Ianto asked.

"Comic book convention. They have it every year."

"Bizarre. I wonder how I missed this."

"Actually, I think it's a pretty common thing. They have them all over."

"All over Wales?"

"No. All over the world." Jack shook his head.

"Those people are dressed like action figures," Ianto said.

"Yeah. I'm digging the guy in the tights."

Ianto mouthed the word "camp" and rolled his eyes. "Let's get the fish and get going." They got out of the car.

"Alright. You go," Jack said.

"Why me?"

"Unless you want to stay out here and baby sit Myfanwy…."

"Oh, fine," Ianto huffed. He walked, still carrying the box holding his Judoon horns, into the shop and up to the counter. He was aware that he probably stank of fish himself, and only hoped the smell of the merchandise would mask the odor.

"I'll have 30 lbs of…fish, just whatever you've got," he said.

"Did you say 30 lbs?" the clerk asked.

"Yes.

"We have a nice salmon here and there's swordfish. You going to roast it or grill?"

"Neither. It's going to be eaten raw."

"Raw?"

"Yes."

"You like it like that?"

"Oh, it's not for me. It's for Myfanwy."

"I see," the clerk mumbled, scratching his head.

Ianto took the enormous bundle of fish and headed out of the store.

Meanwhile, outside, Jack was relaxing, leaning against the side of the SUV, watching the costumed revelers at the convention in the square. Myfanwy had settled, finally, so he'd felt safe rolling down the window to give her some air while they waited.

Jack marveled at the conventioneers. He was a man who enjoyed a good costume when he saw one and he let his mind wander through a series of costumed role play possibilities, all featuring Ianto Jones. _Not bloody likely._ If only Jack could think of a way to get the young archivist to loosen up a bit.

His people-watching was interrupted by the sound of someone clearing his throat loudly.

"Excuse me, sir. You can't park here." The speaker was a PC, tall, blond and proudly wearing his uniform and stab vest. Perhaps, Jack thought, the local police service was taking convention crowd control a little too seriously.

"Sorry?"

"You can't park here." He pointed at a sign.

"Really? I hadn't noticed." Jack spied Myfanwy out of the corner of his eye, growing restless and scrabbling at the door. She wanted out.

"You know, constable, I have to tell you I think you're doing a fine job," Jack said. He put an arm around the young PC's shoulder and turned him toward the stores, walking away from the fish shop and keeping the vehicles out of his line of sight.

"Why thank you, sir. It's not often people think to say something like that."

"Yes," Jack said as they strolled along the sidewalk in front of the shops. "But I for one have always appreciated our men and women in uniform." Over his shoulder he caught a glimpse of Myfanwy. She'd managed to get most of her upper body out of the window and was slowly wriggling out of the car. She hopped over to the next vehicle, a flat bed truck with tarps spread over the back. Jack hoped that wasn't a fisherman's haul underneath.

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to give you a ticket," the policeman was saying.

"But why, constable?" Jack asked, all innocence.

"Because you're parked illegally," he pointed at the SUV.

"Oh, officer, you think _this_ is _my_ car?" Jack asked, pointing at his car.

"Yes."

Jack laughed. "Oh, no, sir. _This_ is my car," he said, pointing at the pickup truck. He whipped off his greatcoat and flung it into the back, covering the tell tale bits of pteranodon poking out from under the tarp.

"Well, why didn't you say so?" the policeman asked. They shared a laugh. Just then, Ianto walked out of the shop. He was confused when Jack grabbed him by the elbow and ushered him to the passenger seat of the truck, but complied and they drove off. He thought about asking for an explanation, but at this point, he figured whatever nonsense Jack offered would only make him angry.

They drove around the corner and then Jack made Ianto get out and get into the back with Myfanwy. His job was to hold her under the tarp until they got to Jack's.

V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^

They rode without incident and soon arrived at a very nice rambling stone home with a wide garden and large trees framing the drive. Jack drove around to the back, where there was a large outbuilding, a former barn.

He pulled the truck inside and shut the door before signaling Ianto to let Myfanwy out. There were several unused horse stalls and they tried to nudge Myfanwy inside one of them. Jack was singing to keep her calm.

_Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl_

_With yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to there_

_She would merengue and do the cha-cha_

_And while she tried to be a star, Tony always tended bar_

Jack made a stern face at Ianto, trying to get him to sing, but only got a grudging few notes of humming. Then, Jack danced a few steps behind Myfanwy to coax her along. He grabbed Ianto's hand and tried to pull him in to dance, but Ianto snatched his hand back and folded his arms across his chest. After a few moments, Jack got Myfanwy into the stall and shut and locked the door.

"There," Jack said. "That wasn't so bad, was it?" He motioned Ianto toward the house and followed him in.

The house was at least 100 years old, a sturdy old fashioned farmhouse with stone walls and exposed ceiling beams, but full of light and open space. The furnishings were very modern. Ianto was impressed.

"Look, Jack. I've got to get back into town. _Right now_."

"You're not being very fun."

"Is this your idea of _fun_, Jack? _Really_? Ruining my life? Because now, on top of everything else, _you've stolen a car_. I suppose you'll want me to drop it off with the constable on my way back to town."

"Don't be stupid," Jack said, rolling his eyes. "You'd be arrested. It's a hot car."

"So what's your plan, then? You going to file the number off the chassis?"

"Of course not. That would be dishonest. I'll have the gardener, Rhys, return it after dark."

"Look. I've really got to get back," Ianto said, returning to his theme.

"Well, if I might make a suggestion."

"No. Thank you. Jack," Ianto said emphatically, "the only way you're going to get me to listen to another one of your suggestions is if you hold a shiny object in front of my face and twirl it."

"I am only trying to help."

"I've got to get out of these clothes," Ianto moaned.

"Just what I was going to suggest," Jack said. Ianto arched an eyebrow. "What? You smell."

Once Jack pointed the way to the spare room, Ianto practically threw his things–keys, phone, PDA and the box for Yvonne–onto the bed as he raced to the bathroom, and he nearly ripped his clothes off in his rush to shower. The water was strong and hot and he used ample amounts of body wash and shampoo.

His relief was less than complete as he pondered his situation. Now, not only had he lost the morning's opportunity to meet with professor Awuku, but his only suit smelled…fishy. He'd have to buy some more clothes. He could barely afford it, but he really didn't have a choice. Maybe he could borrow something of Jack's. The man owed him at least that much.

"You okay in there?" Jack's voice drew him out of his reverie.

"Yeah, thanks."

"Good. You should have everything you need, towels and stuff, but if you can't find something, just holler."

"Right." Ianto heard drawers sliding and Jack rustling around in the room. His heart stopped as he considered Jack looking through his PDA. If he figured out why Ianto was in Cardiff….Ianto didn't like to think about it.

"Ianto?" Jack called.

"Yup."

"What's in the box?"

"Hm?"

"What's in the box?"

"Judoon horns."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

Jack didn't take Ianto's word for it, of course. He unwrapped the box and pulled out the Judoon horns. _Eww_.

"Listen, I'm going to grab a shower, too. See you in a bit."

A few minutes later, Ianto finished his shower and noticed immediately that his clothes and the towels were missing. The only thing available to cover his body was a deep purple silk dressing gown with matching ostrich feathers around the neck and cuffs. He hesitated to imagine the circumstances that would leave such a thing in Jack Harkness' guest bathroom, but he put it on.

A quick rifle through the wardrobe revealed no clothing of any kind. Ianto followed the sound of running water to the bathroom where Jack was enjoying his shower.

"Jack, where are my clothes?" Ianto yelled through the bathroom door.

"Sent them out to be cleaned."

"You _what_?"

"They smelled like the national aquarium. I should think you'd be grateful."

"Yes, but what am I going to wear now? I can't go back to Cardiff dressed like this." Ianto spit out an errant feather that had stuck to his lip.

"What are you wearing?"

"I don't know. Some purple thing."

"Oh. I bet you look _fabulous_ in that."

Ianto growled. "Don't you have a spare change of clothes? Real clothes?"

"Nope, sorry."

"Seriously, Jack. I demand you find me some clothes or I'm coming in there to throttle you."

"Be my guest." Through the door Ianto heard Jack laughing.

Ianto growled again. Then he began marching through the house, checking room by room for any spare clothing that might be an improvement on his very fetching gown. Surely a man couldn't live in a house and not keep any clothes there. Although, at this point, that would hardly be the strangest thing he had learned about Jack Harkness.

Ianto caught a glimpse of himself in a mirror. He looked ridiculous. For a brief moment, he recognized that his situation wasn't without humor. He took a tentative turn in front of the mirror and the _Copacabana_ re-invaded his brain. _She had feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to there._ Yes. Well. It would be a while before he felt much like laughing. Especially if he didn't end up meeting Parker, because Yvonne would definitely fire him. In a way, he'd almost _rather_ Yvonne fire him. Then he could relax and stop worrying about what Jack might do next.

Ianto walked from the back of the house, where the bedrooms were, to the front, looking for the staff bedrooms, which he was sure he'd find eventually. He'd heard Jack refer to a gardener. A workman would have to have a change of clothes.

As he passed through the front hall, the doorbell rang. Ianto paused. Jack was in the shower and couldn't hear the door. Ianto looked down at his dressing gown. He was hardly dressed to answer the door, but he was beyond worrying about it.

He opened the door on a man of about seventy, dressed for a walk in the country in dark blue corduroy slacks, a flannel shirt and a mac. Before the man could open his mouth, a small terrier bounded inside and began jumping up and down around Ianto barking loudly.

"Hello," Ianto shouted over the barking.

"Who are you?" the man demanded. He swatted a frustrated hand at the dog, who went on barking.

"Hard to say. I'm really not myself today."

"Why are you dressed like that?" the man asked, bewildered.

"I don't know. I think it rather suits me, don't you?" Ianto struck a pose. Hands on his hips and elbows akimbo, he looked at the visitor over his left shoulder, pouting slightly to accentuate his cheekbones.

The man didn't react. "Critics," Ianto mumbled.

The dog continued barking, jumping several feet in the air as he did so, spinning more than 180 degrees with each leap.

"Well, I've never heard of such a…what are you doing in this house?" The man looked down at the dog. "George, please!"

Ianto backed up to the stairway that curved up to the second floor. He sat on a low step with both elbows on his knees. "I'm just waiting for paperwork," he said, resigned. He rested his chin on one palm. "Apparently, I'm being sectioned. For the best, really."

Meanwhile, the dog, George, stood in front of him, and barked without ceasing. Ianto realized he felt very tired.

"This is absurd," the visitor exclaimed. "Where is Jack?"

"Here!" Jack said, coming out of the back. He had on a robe similar to Ianto's, but without the feather trim, and he was rubbing a towel through his hair. When he saw the new arrival, he enveloped the man in a bear hug. The dog had paused for a moment, but returned to his mad barking almost immediately.

"Henry!" Jack shouted.

"Jack, it's so good to see you," Henry yelled back.

"What are you doing here?"

"Just out for my walk and I saw Rhys in the yard. Figured you must be in, so I stopped by to say hello." A woman came out from the kitchen, wiping her hands on her apron. Her brown hair was tied up at the back of her head.

"Hello, Gwen," Henry said. "I saw your young man out front."

"He's my husband now, sir," she said, beaming.

"Oh, that's right. Congratulations!" Henry kissed Gwen lightly on the cheek and took another swipe at the dog, which still would not be quiet.

"May I take your coat?" Gwen offered.

"No, thank you," Parker said. "I can't stay."

Finally, Jack gave the dog the attention he'd been demanding. "Hey, Georgie," Jack said. "Why don't you go play?" For once, George stood quietly at attention, watching Jack.

"Jack," Henry asked, pointing at Ianto. "Who is this?"

"New friend." George started barking again and the others once more had to yell to be heard over the din. Ianto completely gave up making any sense of his situation and sat, dejected, on the steps.

"A friend who needs clothes," he added.

"Oh, yes. Well, you certainly can't go around dressed like that all day," Jack said quickly before looking carefully at Ianto. "Although, that color is _lovely_ on you."

Ianto made an _I-told-you-so_ face at Henry.

"Where are my clothes, Jack?"

"I sent them into town to be cleaned."

"I can't go around dressed like this. And I'll remind you I'm on a schedule. When will they be ready?"

"Jack, is it too much to ask for an explanation?" Henry interjected. "I mean I'm as open-minded as the next man, but I don't see…." Henry swatted at George again, to no avail. The dog kept barking.

"This is a friend of mine from the city," Jack said, pointing at Ianto.

"He says he's going to be sectioned."

"Yes, well, he is a bit high strung." Jack made a circular motion around his ear with one finger and winked. "I thought a few days relaxing in Cardiff might do him good. But I have to say, he's been pretty much on edge since he got here. I just can't seem to get him to relax."

"I just want to get _dressed_," Ianto moaned.

"Sir," Gwen spoke up. "Perhaps your guest might find something to wear in the playroom." She blushed.

"And where might that be?" Ianto asked.

"End of the hall on the right," she offered, pointing helpfully.

Ianto was off to the playroom in an instant, George following close behind. Unlike the other bedrooms, the playroom was a wood-paneled box with no windows. The room was furnished with a bed and a chest of drawers, but little else. Ianto noted hooks built into one wall and began to have a sense of what the playroom was all about.

At one end of the room were double doors that led to a walk-in closet. Inside, Ianto found scores of costumes. There were military and police uniforms of every sort, along with more sequins and feathers than most drag queens owned, and lots of leather. The next time he had to outfit the Village People, Ianto knew where to bring them. His only challenge was to find something more…normal than what he had on already. He settled on a black shirt and pants and dressed quickly. By the time he finished, Jack had joined him.

Jack, too, had changed and was now wearing clothes that were similar to what he'd been wearing earlier; dark blue dress shirt, gray slacks and braces. Jack took one look at Ianto and licked his lips slowly.

"Ianto," he said in a hoarse whisper. "You chose a UNIT uniform?"

"I just wanted something without feathers." Ianto got up and looked in the mirror, trying to organize his hair without the benefit of a comb or gel. Jack stood behind him and admired the way the cloth caressed Ianto's ass. He imagined Ianto would be pure genius as a dom in those black pants and jump boots.

"Alright, Jack, I need you to take me back into town so I can meet up with professor Awuku."

"Professor Awuku? You know, that reminds me. He and Henry are practically best friends."

"Henry, you say?" Ianto suddenly felt a tremor in the pit of his stomach. "Wait. What's Henry's last name, Jack?"

"Parker, why?"

Ianto groaned and dropped his face into his hands. "Three million people in Wales and I have to run into _you_." He thought back to Yvonne's advice, _instruction_, that he should stay clear of Torchwood Cardiff. He'd blown that one.

Yvonne had made it sound like mere institutional rivalry between the two Torchwood branches. In reality, encountering Jack Harkness had been the equivalent of throwing a black cat through a mirror while dancing under a ladder. Ianto found himself trapped in a vortex of increasingly cataclysmic misfortune. He wondered how on earth things could possibly get any worse and immediately told himself, if he was patient, he'd find out before long.

"You know, Jack, the reason I'm here that I've been avoiding telling you? It's Henry Parker. I need to get a favor from Henry Parker for Torchwood. My job sort of depends on it."

"Oh, _Ianto_," Jack said quietly. "I'm afraid you haven't made a very good impression on Henry."

"No. I haven't." Ianto thought for a moment. "Listen to me, Jack." He looked at Jack directly, trying to hold his attention. Jack's expression was just a tad dreamlike. Ianto worried he wasn't fully there.

"Hm?"

"I need you to pay very close attention because I need you to do me a huge favor."

"Yeah?"

"Yes. Because after everything that's happened, which has been all your fault, you owe me this one thing."

"OK."

"Are you paying attention?"

Jack was looking directly into Ianto's eyes. He _seemed_ to be paying attention. "Can you hold on one moment, Ianto?"

"Um…sure."

Jack went into the closet and returned carrying a red beret. "Put this on. It goes with the outfit."

Ianto did as asked and Jack sighed. "You look _gorgeous_ in that cap. I could just…."

"Jack. I need you to _focus_."

"No, seriously. Red is your color."

"Jack. This is important."

"Sorry. What were you saying?"

Ianto put his hands on Jack's shoulders, digging his fingers into the muscle in an attempt to finally hold the man's attention.

"Jack, whatever you do, don't let Henry Parker know my name, or that I work at Torchwood. Can you remember that?"

"Alright."

"Say it to me."

"I won't tell Henry Parker that you're Ianto Jones or that you work at Torchwood."

"Right." Ianto led Jack back to the room where he'd first changed. "Then, you'll give him the amnesia pills and reintroduce me and we'll get a fresh start."

"If I don't tell him who you are, he won't need the pills."

"I just want to be doubly sure. The pills wore off on me, remember?" Ianto grabbed his things off the bed - his keys, his phone, the PDA and the box. The box was open on top of the bed where he'd left it…and empty.

"Jack, where are the Judoon horns?"

"Sorry?"

"My Judoon horns? What have you done with them?"

"Well I didn't do…." Jack thought for a moment. "George!"

"What?"

"George. A dog? Dog…bone. Dog…bone."

Suddenly, Ianto understood what Jack was getting at. "My God, Jack. We've got to get those horns back!"

Jack and Ianto ran back through the house calling the dog. "George! George! Come here, Georgie!" The silence that answered made it clear the beast was no longer in the house. On their second pass through, Jack yelled to Henry Parker, "Come back for dinner? Say seven-thirty?"

"Very well," Parker called to Jack's back as the two younger men headed out into the back garden.

And what a garden it was. Ianto looked out on a seemingly endless expanse of well-manicured lawn, carefully tended beds, even a small stream wending its way through the property.

"Oh my," Ianto murmured.

"Yeah," Jack said, taking his meaning. "Twenty-six acres."

George scampered into view, empty-handed.

"Look, his nose is dirty," Ianto said. "He's been digging."

"C'mon, George. Show us where you hid Ianto's bone," Jack urged.

"Not a bone, Jack. It's Judoon horns."

Jack looked up, annoyed. "You want to debate semantics with a dog? He understands 'bone' and it's close enough."

As they watched, George scampered over to a large shade tree and began digging in the flower bed at its base. Jack and Ianto got down on their knees and offered encouragement.

"There! I see it!" Jack said, before reaching his hand into the hole and pulling out a large, red bulb-shaped silicone vibrator.

Ianto frowned at George. "He understands 'bone,' alright."

Jack shrugged. He was spared having to come up with a witty retort by George, who went bounding off across the lawn. The two men quickly followed. The next time George stopped, it was on the bank of the stream. Once again, he began digging in earnest while Jack and Ianto offered encouragement. This time, after some moments of digging, George lifted his head with a leather cock ring triumphantly held in his mouth.

"That's where that got to," Jack said. He made a scolding face at George.

Ianto lifted the item with a stick and handed it to Jack. He turned to George and spoke seriously. "George, I need you to stop digging up all of Jacks 'bones.' We don't have time. I need you to find the horn."

"You think he understands that?" Jack asked.

"I have to try something, Jack. From the looks of things, he could be here all night digging up your 'bones.'"

Then Ianto was off after George again. Jack followed, a bit more slowly this time. No need to run when the dog would stop eventually. After a few steps, he looked up to see George digging a new hole, with Ianto, down on all fours beside him, helpfully digging with his front paws –_er_—hands. Jack looked at Ianto and realized it was possible that he was already hopelessly in love.

They spent the next several hours following George around the garden, without finding the horns. Eventually, even the dog tired of the game and he retired to the house, curling up in an easy chair by the fireplace for a nap.

Ianto dropped onto the sofa nearby as his cell phone rang. He knew without looking who it was. "Yvonne," he said, attempting to put a little 'good-to-hear-from-you' into his voice.

"Ianto Jones," she greeted him with her usual fake bonhomie. "Give me some good news."

"Actually, Yvonne, I'm just about to sit down to dinner with Henry Parker. Does that qualify?"

"Excellent, Jones. I was beginning to think you'd come up empty. And I really hate failure."

"Yes, well. Don't worry about it. I'm sure it's all going to work out just fine."

Ianto looked at Jack, who smiled. Of course Jack smiled. He seemed to always want to believe that things would work out. But in Ianto's experience, you can't get by on the seat of your pants.

Jack always had hope; Ianto always had fear.

Just then the doorbell rang and Jack hopped up to answer. Henry Parker stood there with a small, pretty black woman. Ianto said his goodbyes to Yvonne, who was much more hopeful than she would have been had she known all the facts, and joined Jack out front.

"Henry! And you brought Martha!" Jack enthusiastically greeted his guests. Ianto walked over reluctantly, hoping Jack would remember their agreement to hide his identity.

"Come meet my friend," Jack said, motioning them in.

"Henry Parker, Dr. Martha Jones, this is…" Ianto cleared his throat meaningfully. Jack looked at him, annoyed, and continued. "John…Bone." Ianto stifled a moan. "John, Henry Parker, you'll remember from this afternoon, and our friend Martha Jones."

"You're with UNIT?" Martha asked.

"No," Ianto answered.

"But the uniform, I…" Martha looked at Jack, confused.

"Forgive him. He's not been himself today," Jack said. Parker nodded knowingly.

"Jack, if my clothes are back, I'd love to change before dinner."

"Sorry." Jack smiled. "Just not ready to have you out of those pants. At least not while we have company." He laughed and motioned for everyone to go into the lounge.

Ianto rolled his eyes. "Well, I'm at least going to freshen up a little. I feel like I'm wearing half your garden."

Ianto headed off to the bathroom while Jack poured his guests drinks. "John's an astronomer, actually," Jack lied. "I think he may have done some work for UNIT. Anyway, I happened to meet him at the Royal Cardiff yesterday and it was so obvious that he really needed a bit of a rest."

"He's evidently under a great deal of stress," Parker observed.

When he got to the bedroom, Ianto found his suit, clean and laid out on the bed. _Finally, something was going his way. _ A few minutes later, Ianto rejoined the group, dressed in his now-clean suit, and they were soon gathered around the table. George had followed the group into the dining room and was resting quietly, watchfully, in a corner. Gwen served the soup and they all tucked in.

"So, tell me, John," Parker began. "What precisely is your field? No. Let me guess. Galactic astronomy? Or extragalactic? You look like a man who can see the grander picture."

"No," Ianto answered simply. He was keeping a close eye on George, and paying little attention to anything else.

"Well, what brings you to Cardiff?" Martha asked. At that moment, George got up and scampered out of the room. Ianto got up without a word, soup spoon still in hand, and followed George through the kitchen and out the back door into the garden.

"John! Come back here!" Jack called. He watched Ianto leave and smiled an apology at his guests.

"Where's he going?" Parker asked.

"He's following the dog."

"Why's he doing that?"

"He's looking for his bone." Henry and Martha nodded as if they understood before frowning in confusion.

Meanwhile, Rhys went out to the garage/barn for a nip. Gwen didn't like him to drink, but he had a bottle stashed in one of the old horse stalls. He found an occasional splash made it easier to cope with the typical run of events in the Harkness household.

He strode in purposefully, rummaged around a bit in the trough, and pulled out a flask-sized bottle. He took a couple of long pulls at the bottle before leaving, carrying it with him. He didn't notice Myfanwy lurking in the rafters above him and he didn't think to shut the gate behind him when he left.

Gwen entered the dining room and removed the soup dishes. As she walked out, George walked in, followed immediately by Ianto, who sat back at the table as though nothing had happened.

"So, Ianto," Martha began. "Is that a Welsh accent I detected?"

"Not really."

"Oh…uh…I," she shot a questioning look at Jack.

"Precisely," Ianto answered, absently. George was up again and Ianto followed him out of the room. Jack followed them as well this time, leaving Parker and Dr. Jones confused and alone.

Outside, Jack and Ianto stumbled around the garden as George wandered about with no evident purpose. The moon was full and bright, and they had no trouble watching George as he darted about.

"What are you doing?" Jack asked. "They're going to think you're insane."

"Parker probably already does. As long as you don't tell him who I am, we'll be fine."

"You're only making matters worse by hopping up every two seconds and leaving the room."

"I've got to find those Judoon horns, Jack. It's my only hope of convincing Yvonne to let me keep my job."

"You don't need to work for her, you know. You could stay here and work for me."

"Yeah, right." Ianto snorted.

Just then a shadow passed over the moon and they heard a familiar call. "Myfanwy," they exclaimed together, looking up. They couldn't see her, but it was evident. Myfanwy was on the loose.

"This is bad," Ianto said.

"You've got to help me get her back." As Jack spoke, George reappeared and skittered back into the house.

"Sorry, Jack. I'm a little busy."

The two men entered the house and Ianto easily grabbed and held George. "We don't need two of you wandering off. Stay here."

"Jack! Is that you?" Parker called from the dining room.

"Be right there, Henry."

Ianto had an idea. "Have you got a lead or a length of rope or something I can use to keep track of George?"

"No."

"Sure? I seem to recall a bit of leather in the playroom," Ianto smirked.

"None of that is for dogs."

"But…."

"Forget it."

"Fine. Just go on being unhelpful. I'm used to it."

Jack turned to Ianto. "Go get your PDA. I have an idea."

Ianto did as he was told. When he returned, Jack was on the phone.

"That's right, sergeant. Thank you. Thank you. I'll look for you to call."

"Who was that?"

"Police."

"What? Have you gone mad?"

Jack gave Ianto his most patient look. "Gone _genius_. I've just reported a robbery. I told the police a man, dressed as a superhero with a giant wingspan, stole my wallet."

"But, Jack, if they find Myfanwy, it will be immediately obvious…."

"We don't need them to _capture_ her, or even get close to her. _ Think_. Anybody calls in to report a giant flying reptile, the police will assume it's my thief."

"And then they'll go pick him up and have a rude awakening."

"Except we'll catch her first, because we'll be tracking police signals on your PDA." Jack motioned for Ianto to hand it to him. "May I?"

Jack spent a moment manipulating the PDA before handing it back to Ianto. "Now, where were we?"

"Attempting dinner, I believe."

Just then Myfanwy called. She must be close by. The noise caught George's attention and he began barking loudly, running through the house and, once again, out into the garden. Jack and Ianto followed.

Back in the dining room, the two neglected guests also heard the noise.

"What do you suppose that was, Henry?"

"Hm. It might have been a kite."

"Aren't those rare in Wales?" Martha asked.

Henry smiled. "I see someone knows her ornithology."

"Just an amateur, really."

"Yes, well the black kite is particularly rare here, although I have spotted one or two myself over the years."

"Really?"

"But they're not nocturnal hunters, so it's unusual to hear their call at this hour."

"Shall we go take a look?"

"Why not? Everybody else has." With that, the two of them scurried off into the night.

Meanwhile, Jack and Ianto had followed George, who was following Myfanwy, barking along the way, for some distance. They'd long ago left Jack's property and were stumbling their way through increasingly dense forest.

"I think we should sing," Jack suggested.

"I think we most decidedly should not," Ianto answered. "It's bad enough you've got me wandering through the wilderness…." Jack snorted at the notion. Ianto continued, "…through the wilderness, following after a prehistoric flying reptile, in the middle of the night. All of that is bad enough without adding singing to the mix. Although, it wouldn't hurt if George could be quiet for a moment. I'm sure he's not exactly encouraging Myfanwy to come in for a landing."

They had been making their way along a branch of the same stream that ran through Jack's garden, following George, who was barking like mad at Myfanwy, flying overhead. Despite Ianto's protests, Jack began to sing.

_Her name was Lola, she was a show girl_

_With yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to there._

_She would merengue and do the cha-cha_

_And while she tried to be a star, Tony always tended bar._

_Across a crowded floor, they worked from 8 til 4._

_They were young and they had each other_

_Who could ask for more?_

_At the Copa (Co!), Copacabana (Copacabana)_

_The hottest spot north of Havana (here)_

_At the Copa (Co!), Copacabana_

_Music and passion were always the fashion _

_At the Copa…they fell in love._

They came to a spot on the bank of the stream where someone had laid a thin plank across the water to the other bank. George skipped across in an instant. Jack suddenly stopped short just before the plank and Ianto, who was lost in thought, ran into Jack.

"Why are we stopping?"

"George crossed to the other side," Jack explained.

"Well, let's follow him."

"I don't think the plank will hold either of us," Jack said, looking at it. "I'm going to jump."

"You'll never make it."

"Nonsense. Besides, the stream's not that deep. I'll just wade across."

Before Ianto could offer another word of caution, Jack had launched himself across the stream, only to come up several feet short, landing with a splash about three-quarters of the way across. Ianto stood on the bank laughing uncontrollably until he began to slip on the steep embankment and fell into the water not far from Jack. It was true that the water wasn't deep enough for either man to drown easily. However, they were up to their armpits in cold, dark water. They scrambled up the opposite bank. Jack took off his sopping great coat and tried to wring the water from it while Ianto looked with disgust at what had become of his suit.

Jack was laughing, but Ianto was not. "My suit is ruined," he scowled.

"I know, but you look so funny all wet with your hair in your face."

"Forgive me if I don't see the humor," Ianto said, still not appeased. "Do you actually delight in causing disaster wherever you go?"

"Disaster? I'd say that's a bit harsh."

"Oh really? Let's look at the evidence." Ianto sat down on a fallen log, taking a moment to carefully adjust his trousers and avoid stretching out the soaking fabric. As if the suit could possibly be salvaged at this point.

Jack gave up attempting to save his coat and tossed it over a low-hanging branch. The branch sagged dramatically under the weight of the water-logged wool.

"So, far," Ianto began quietly. "In less than two days, you have managed to make me look a fool in front of an extremely important business contact. You stole my golf ball and interrupted the round of golf I was using to establish this important relationship. You then ripped my blazer, drugged me so I fell flat on my face in front of the same, important business contact and then, to make up for all the damage, you hit him square in the eye with a rock while I looked helplessly on. The carnage continued today when, in order to 'repair the damage,' you managed to crash me into a fish lorry, made me look a fool in front of the other even more important business contact, and allowed a stray dog to take a priceless alien artifact that I must deliver to my boss. And now, in the one decent suit I own, you manage to practically drown me. How, pray tell, Jack, can I come to any other conclusion but that you are deliberately trying to destroy me, completely, and utterly?"

Jack's eyes were sad now. "Well," he said. "If you put it that way. I'm sorry." He looked down at his lap and picked a few stray leaves and twigs off his pants. "I suppose you'll go back to London and regale everyone with tales of my incompetence."

"Amazingly, Jack, none of the events of the last two days seems especially remarkable in comparison to your rumored exploits which, even if I did believe them…."

"They're probably all true."

Ianto looked surprised. "What? You mean…the tentacles?"

"Yep. True," Jack chuckled.

"What about the time loop orgy?"

"Definitely true."

"Really? Three weeks?"

"Not even a personal best."

"Wow." Ianto looked down at his hands. "Still, I suppose what you do in your personal life is hardly relevant. I'm going to assume you have some sort of professional qualification, skills, capabilities…"

"Thanks," Jack said.

"Although I haven't seen the first sign of any such…"

"Look," Jack said. "All I wanted was to help you, to stay with you…because I like you. And now, instead of liking me back, I've practically made you hate me." Jack's voice cracked slightly at that last.

"C'mon, Jack. Don't. You're exaggerating."

"But it's true. You hate me."

"I _do not_ hate you. I just…fear for my life when you're around because for some reason, everything you touch goes wrong. Horribly wrong."

"Well, that spoils everything then, because the one thing I want to touch more than anything in the world is you, Ianto Jones." Jack had inched a bit closer to Ianto on the log and was now staring intently into his eyes. Ianto swallowed hard before speaking.

"Listen, Jack…I…uh. Look," his stammering was interrupted by an insistent call overhead that could only be Myfanwy. Ianto remembered his purpose. "Get up. Let's just find George and the Judoon horns and get Myfanwy back somewhere safe, ok? Maybe we can salvage some portion of the worst 48 hours of my life." He stood and began walking off in the direction he'd last seen George. As if on cue, they heard George barking in the distance and ran toward him. But George was on the move, making it difficult for the two men to keep up with him. He had run through the thick woods and reached another area of mostly homes and quiet gardens.

They were behind a row of houses when George wriggled under a fence and disappeared into someone's garden. Jack made Ianto give him a leg up over the fence, and he tumbled into the garden after George. Ianto decided to go around to the front of the residence to see if anyone was in.

When he got to the front of the house, he noticed Myfanwy on the roof, looking quite unperturbed. The house, meanwhile, was dark. The occupants either weren't in or weren't awake.

Ianto tried to get Myfanwy's attention. He waved his arms and hissed, "Pssst! Pssst!" To no avail. He threw a handful of gravel at the giant creature, but she hardly seemed to notice. Then he tried singing the song that, having heard Jack's rendition several times, he felt almost competent to deliver.

_Her name was Lola, hm hm a dancer_

_She had some feathers in her hair hm hm floated on thin air_

_Hm hm hm cha-cha, hm hm the salsa_

_And her boyfriend at the bar knew he'd never get that far_

Perhaps the lyrics were important, because Myfanwy made no move to leave the roof. Ianto decided to go up after her. He figured he didn't need to get all the way to the roof, just up to the first floor balcony, close enough to almost reach the pteranodon on her perch.

He shimmied up the drainpipe and crawled over to the balcony, but Myfanwy moved away from the edge, just enough for Ianto to reach her. He then stood up on the rail and began taking swats in Myfanwy's direction, wishing he'd brought the net along. He wondered where Jack was. He was about to give up his quest–Myfanwy just didn't want to budge—when he found himself suddenly in the wash of giant floodlights.

"Police," an amplified voice said. "Come down off the roof and keep your hands where I can see them."

From the back of the house, Jack had scarcely made more progress than Ianto. When he landed in the garden, George was nowhere to be seen. Then he noticed the doggie flap in the back door of the house. George must have gone in that way. Jack got down on all fours and pushed his face through the miniature opening. "George!" he whispered loudly. "George! Come, boy!"

George didn't answer and there appeared to be no one at home. Jack decided to try the kitchen window, figuring that if it were open he could pop inside, nab George, and be back out before anyone was the wiser. He jimmied the window open and had one leg inside when he, like Ianto, found his world bathed in bright light. Next thing he knew, he was being encouraged to keep his hands visible while he backed out of the window.

V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^VV^V^

Ianto sat on a long, low bench in a spacious jail cell, heavy iron bars on three sides. He was scowling at Jack. Jack was pacing back and forth across the space. He stopped every so often to look at Ianto, smiling tentatively, as if hoping Ianto's mood would wear off. It seemed unlikely.

Their silence was interrupted by the arrival of the sergeant.

"Alright now," he said, standing just outside the cell. "Let's see if we can't get to the bottom of this."

"We're Torchwood," Jack said, pulling a card from his pocket and handing it to the sergeant. "We're under the protection of the Crown."

The sergeant looked at the card for a moment before handing it back to Jack. "Yeah, those are only good for crimes committed in the course of business. You want to tell me you were breaking into the Fosters' home on the Queen's business?"

Jack shrugged.

The sergeant looked at Ianto. "So, young man. What have you got to say for yourself? Why were you on the Fosters' roof?"

"Trying to catch a pteranodon."

"A pter…ah…what?"

"A pterodactyl," Jack offered. "Sort of."

"Only larger," Ianto specified.

"I see," said the sergeant, scratching his head. "Wait. Aren't they extinct?"

"Yes."

"So why were you hunting one on the Fosters' roof?"

"She _was_ there, on the roof, until you came along and scared her away."

"She?"

"Myfanwy, the…"

" …pteranodon," the sergeant finished. "I see."

The sergeant looked up as a female PC entered the station leading Rhys, whose hands were tied behind his back.

"What's he in for, Lizzie?"

"Stole a car."

"I _did not_ steal a car," Rhys protested. "I told you, I was returning it for my boss."

The sergeant shook his head. "Take his statement, and then put him in with the other two." Another PC handed the sergeant a print out and he took it with him into the cells.

"You," he said, pointing at Jack. "I've just learned there was a call from your phone to this station earlier this evening. Apparently, you called to say you were robbed by a man dressed as a giant, prehistoric reptile."

Jack smiled, busted.

"I've had two PCs out all evening looking for this thief. No sign of him anywhere. Now, I'm starting to think this was just a diversion on your part. Keep the coppers busy chasing a phantom and you'll have a clear path for your burgling."

"You can't be serious," Ianto said, panic rising in his voice.

"And your friend here tells me there was a giant, prehistoric reptile on the top of the Fosters' house." The sergeant paused, as if the best part of the story was coming up. "Now, I'm asking myself if maybe whoever was on the roof wasn't this pterodactyl creature, but your accomplice."

"Officer, you have to believe me," Ianto said. "There is no accomplice. There was no burglary. And there really is a giant, prehistoric reptile on the loose."

"Ah ha," the sergeant replied. He wasn't going to be fooled by these criminals. "And how do you explain the stolen car, eh?" At that moment, the PC he'd called Lizzie led Rhys into the back and showed him into the cell with Jack and Ianto. Ianto glared at Jack.

"Sorry, Jack," Rhys said, before he sat on a corner of the bench.

"Me, too," Jack said. "Did you call Gwen?" Rhys' answering glare made Jack wince. "She's going to kill you. _Us_."

"Don't I know it, mate."

Jack stood in the far corner of the cell and called to the sergeant. "Psst! Over here."

The sergeant walked over to Jack, turning his back on the other two. "Listen," Jack said. "I'm willing to come clean, but you got to get me out of this cell. Can't I come out to your office and talk?" He looked meaningfully at Ianto and Rhys. "In _private_?"

"Oh, I see," the sergeant said. "Well, if you're willing to talk."

Jack leaned in. "I'll talk so much it will curl your hair. You let me out of this cooler and I'll unbutton my puss and shoot the works."

"Sure. Come on out and we'll take your statement."

As the sergeant led him out, Jack walked over to Ianto, held his face in two hands, and kissed him soundly on the mouth. While Ianto recovered, Jack whispered, "I'm going to get out. Contact the team."

Then he broke away and waved to Ianto. "See ya later, Jerry! I'm not taking the rap for you mugs. You're on your own now."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Ianto cried, dazed by the kiss and confused as to what Jack was planning.

"It's every man for himself, now," Jack said as he sauntered off.

In the squad room, the sergeant sat at his workstation while Jack sat on the desk facing him.

"Alright, now, Jack. First things first. You called your partner in there Jerry. Is that his real name? We know he's using an alias."

"He's got a million of 'em. The Cardiff Kleptomaniac. The Sultan of Splott. I'm surprised you haven't heard of him. Anything that's gone missing in South Wales the last few years, you want to give him a good hard look."

"Is that so?"

"Oh, yeah."

"But, why'd you decide to turn on him? Isn't he your partner?"

"Nah, I'm over him. Bit of a wandering eye, if you know what I mean. Can't keep it in his pants."

"Really?" The sergeant leaned back in his chair and peered at Ianto in the next room. He tried to imagine the young man as a hardened criminal and heartless Lothario.

"You wouldn't believe. The rest of the gang have all had him."

The sergeant was staring at Jack, his mouth hanging open. He had forgotten about recording the statement and had stopped typing.

"So, the four of you. Your gang. This isn't your first job?"

"First job? Son, we were burgling Cardiff before you were in long pants. What you got that ain't been solved? It was probably us."

"Really?" The sergeant took a large stack of blank forms out of his desk and began typing furiously.

"How do you spell pteranodon? With a 'p' or a 't'?"

"Two 't's'," Jack said. The sergeant nodded and continued typing.

"Hey, it's getting pretty stuffy in here," Jack said. "Any chance you could crack open a window? It's so hot I can hardly think straight. I may not be able to finish my statement." The sergeant, eager to have Jack continue his sweeping confession, opened the window next to his desk and began typing again.

Just then, they heard a commotion at the front door and Henry Parker and Martha Jones burst into the station, several PCs in tow. They were accompanied by George, who was carrying the Judoon horns in his teeth. He quickly scampered to Ianto's cell and left the horns by the entrance before returning to the squad room. There he proceeded to bark, furiously, despite Parker's efforts to quiet him. In the noise and confusion, Jack ducked out the window.

"I need to report a missing person." Parker demanded. "George! Quiet!"

Ianto heard the commotion and began shouting, "Mr. Parker! Dr. Jones! Help!"

"Be quiet!" the sergeant yelled. Ianto obeyed. George did not.

Parker walked closer to the cells and recognized Ianto standing there. "What are you doing in here? And what have you done with Jack?"

"Isn't he out there?" Ianto couldn't see most of the squad room. He had no idea Jack had abandoned him.

"Wait a minute," the sergeant said to Parker. "You're looking for Jack Harkness?"

"Yes. Dr. Jones and I were having dinner with him this evening and he disappeared."

"Well, he's right here," the sergeant began, but when he turned around, Jack was not there. "Where's the prisoner?" The sergeant began shouting as PCs ran in all directions at once.

"Prisoner?" Parker shouted. "What do you mean prisoner? Surely you can't…" George, as if sensing Parker's rising anger, drew close to the sergeant and increased the volume of his barking.

"I'll have you know we caught him red handed, breaking into the Foster's kitchen," the sergeant shouted.

Two more PCs entered the station, this time they were dragging between them a very inebriated reveler, obviously a participant in the comics convention. He was wearing a Batman costume.

"What's this?" the sergeant asked.

"Suspected thief. We got a call there was a guy in a costume with wings…"

"This is _Batman_," the sergeant interrupted. "The man we were supposed to be looking for was dressed as a pterodactyl."

"Pteranodon," Ianto shouted form the other room. George heard Ianto's voice and returned to the cells, still barking.

"Pterodactyl Man?" The PC asked, confused.

"Look here, Parker," the sergeant said, poking a finger in the man's face. "Your friend Jack Harkness just confessed to a series of burglaries in Cardiff going back two decades."

"Don't be ridiculous. Let me speak to the inspector."

"The inspector's not here at this hour."

"Well, call him in," Parker said, taking a seat at the sergeant's desk. "George, please!" he shouted at the dog. His patience was wearing thin.

The sergeant wiped a weary hand across his face. It was clear George planned to bark all night and that Parker and Martha were not going to be moved until there had been an explanation.

Just as the sergeant was about to order everyone to the cells, Jack walked in with Myfanwy, on a leash. The sergeant stood to speak but fainted before he could utter a word.

"Hey, kids," Jack said. "Did you miss me?"

V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^

Ianto was back in his hotel room, packing the Judoon horns and his few personal items into a suitcase. There was a soft knock on the door.

"Come in," he yelled. He looked up to see Jack standing, unsure of himself, in the doorway.

"Hey," Jack said.

"Hey."

"You're going back today?"

"Yes, Jack. I'm going back," Ianto said. His packing was finished. Not that he had much left to pack. He plopped down on the bed. "Although I don't know why I bother. I'm pretty sure there won't be a job waiting for me when I get to London."

"Why not?"

"Are you serious?" Ianto laughed ironically. "I was sent here with two instructions. One, get Henry Parker to let Torchwood catalog his collection of alien artifacts. Two, stay away from you. I haven't managed to do either and I don't think the Judoon horns are going to be enough of a peace offering for Yvonne."

"No," Jack agreed. "She's pretty hard to please."

"Yes, she is," Ianto echoed.

"C'mon," Jack said. "I want to show you something."

Jack was at the door when he realized Ianto wasn't following him. "Please?" Jack asked. "Trust me."

"Jack, I don't know," Ianto began. "I've got to be at Canary Wharf first thing in the morning. Got a date with my firing squad."

Jack looked at Ianto. "Please. I promise I have nothing…unusual planned."

"You never do, Jack. It just happens."

Jack looked down at his hands.

"Alright," Ianto said. Jack beamed and they were soon in Jack's car driving toward Mermaid Quay.

"What's out here, Jack?"

"My place. Thought you might like to see it." They got out of the car and Jack guided Ianto to a paving stone by a water tower. "Stand here."

Ianto obeyed and pretended not to be surprised when the stone began to sink beneath the Plass. Jack held him firmly by the waist as Ianto turned around as much as he dared on the tiny platform while the great cavern of the Hub revealed itself.

"What is this place?" he asked Jack.

"This is my base," Jack said. "Welcome to Torchwood Cardiff." He made a sweeping motion with one arm.

"Are you serious?" Ianto asked. The contrast to Torchwood London couldn't have been more obvious. The office tower at Canary Wharf was modern, sleek and well lit. The Cardiff Hub was antique, cluttered and dark. Not to mention filthy.

"How can you work here?"

Jack shrugged. "It's not exactly Torchwood One, but it has its advantages."

A loud squawk drew Ianto's attention upward in time to see Myfanwy execute a graceful arc overhead.

"You're keeping her?"

"She's sort of the team mascot," Jack said. He led Ianto up the stairs and into his office where they stood by the window looking out on the Hub.

"Are you sure you want to go back?" Jack asked.

"I'm sure I _have_ to go back, if only to collect my things after Yvonne fires me."

"She's not going to fire you."

"Forgive me, Jack, but I think you've seen to that, pretty thoroughly."

Jack turned to face Ianto. "You know, I'm getting a little tired of you underestimating me. You're not the only one who's charming and diplomatic and can think on his feet."

Ianto eyed Jack closely. "Where did you hear that?"

Jack smiled, smug. "Yvonne doesn't have as many secrets as she thinks."

"Neither do you, Jack. And I, personally, have found your ability to wreak havoc a revelation. It's your gift."

"Be nice," Jack said. "Or I won't tell you my good news."

Ianto looked at him expectantly.

"I talked to Henry. And I explained how all of yesterday was my fault. And he said he'd be happy to let Torchwood archive his collection."

"What?" Ianto asked, not quite believing it. He'd resigned himself to the ultimate failure of his mission.

"He said 'yes.'"

"Jack, that's wonderful!"

"On two conditions," Jack continued.

"Such as?"

"One, the collection remains on his property for the rest of his life. After that, Torchwood is free to do with it as you wish. Two, that Torchwood assigns you, Ianto Jones, to do the archiving."

"Oh, Jack! That's fantastic!" Ianto rejoiced. He grabbed Jack in an energetic hug. "Thank you."

Ianto attempted to end the embrace, releasing his hold on Jack, but Jack kept his arms tight around the other man.

"Dance with me," Jack said.

"No, Jack. I don't dance."

"Nonsense," Jack scoffed as he pulled Ianto closer and spun him around. With a few graceful steps he'd maneuvered the two of them out of the office. Ianto was no longer resisting and even surprised himself by not stepping on Jack's toes as they moved.

Jack looked at Ianto, smiling, and began to sing.

_Her name was Lola, she was a show girl_

_With yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to there._

This time, Ianto sang, too.


End file.
